The big UGLY cry

Simple white toilet brush
Simple white toilet brush (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What does it look like when a mom of an Aspie and three strong-willed kids goes off the deep end.


I have generally thought of myself as someone who has built up a pretty solid repertoire of patience. When the kids get crazy, the Momma just laughs at their antics.

Until she doesn’t.

Then it gets ugly and fast. Then there is wailing, gnashing of teeth, threats of running away, and a reminder to go to the therapist ASAP! There may even be nasty, red-eyed, blotchy-faced-crying-under-the-covers casserole, as a tasty side dish, to the meltdown. How do they do it? Those stalwart moms who never break a sweat. You know, those therapeutic moms who have way more on their proverbial plate than I? Oh yeah, they get dreadlocks, tattoos, sing Kum-bye-ya and go for vacation in Florida in winter. Just kinda kidding.

So I lost it.

It was not an unexpected sort of place to get lost in. I had really sound reasons for losing my nut.

Then we hugged, kissed, said sorry all around and I went to bed. I cried some more, because I needed it. I slept a little, too, because I had lost a lot of sleep the night before.

Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves, which I have pretty much not done for YEARS. Moms take care of a lot of stuff and crap. Sometimes the stuff is thrown at me and sometimes the crap backs up the toilet.

I usually love ball season, but I had all four registered in some sort of ball before I could holler a what-for at myself. I enjoy getting out of the house, finally, after a lifetime of winter broke about end of April. Any excuse to sit in the sun and watch my little peeps play ball is a fun way for me to spend my time. That is, until I realize, with the hubby coaching our son’s soccer team, I would be driver extraordinaire for the other three. That became complicated on away games as Momma just can’t be in 2 places at once. Tried it. Failed.

As ball season commenced so the appointments to Dr’s, therapists (OT, SLP x2, psychologists for both son and I, message for the mess I made of my back, chiropractor, psychiatrist for medical/mental related meds for son), birthday parties, field trips for 3 kids, church responsibilities….the list seemed to get a shot of steroids and intimidated me every time I looked at it. I honestly thought that if I didn’t have a nervous breakdown by the end of the month, I would have gained another victory.

My eyes may be swollen from the tears that passed through them, but the victory is that I waited until JULY to have a meltdown. As monumental and scary as it was. It told me to please take care of myself. Be diligent in self-care, with as many things that I am trying to juggle.

What started the mayhem may have begun the  night before…You know you are in trouble when the toilet brush looks like it was used instead of a plunger. Bad day ahead, mate! Do not even try cleaning the toilet brush. I tried. It was not pretty.

There must be some parents reading this that think that I must not be spiritual enough or must not be consistent enough with discipline or may think I am a bad mom because your kids have never told you that they hated you, thrown things in your direction, slammed the door for the bazillonth time, yelled at me “MOM YOU ARE GROUNDED AND I AM RUNNING AWAY!” before the age of six…well, you must have super compliant children. Hold them close and say a prayer for me. I have THREE strong-willed children that give me no end to scary stories (birth control to the masses, just read my future book) and an Aspie who loves to please me but is entering puberty so is pushing every boundary he previously did not think to push.

As I look back at the meltdown of epic proportions, I cut myself some slack. I have a fairly demanding job here. I am humbly and with internal and spiritual strength trying to grow my kids into adults that are loving, kind, generous, helpful, respectful human beings who shine the light of Christ to those around them.

Those low days will happen. I just hate it when it does.

We all need a little mental break here and there. I should be good for a while 🙂


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